Intended to send smileys when I replied to certain people, but ended up sending sad emojis. Around three to four times. Slip of the phone. I'm not so good at hiding my feelings anymore.
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Riza told me before that liking the nice guy is difficult. If he is nice to everyone, it would be hard to tell if you're special or just like everyone else.
I've been tiptoeing on the subject everytime I am asked about a guy I've met years ago, but only had the chance to really get to know quite recently because of work. It took time before I acknowledged I like him, as in like like, more than as a friend, and to tell our other friends.
Last week, I learned he was seeing someone and he wants them to be official or exclusive by January next year. I would be lying to say I wasn't sad. I was crushed. Not that I think he feels the same way about me. But when you like someone, you always hope they would like you back.
Upon learning about his plan, I decided it would be best to just stay friendly but with a little distance. By distance I mean, not trying to use any excuse to talk to or spend time with him. That means if I have questions about work or anything else, I would have to figure out the answer myself or ask someone else.
Just this weekend, I went on a trip with other friends and was told about the guy's past. He dated a guy who also happens to be a friend. I've always known him to be someone into girls. My feelings for him have not changed, despite the information. I am also telling myself the new information doesn't matter because the guy and I aren't dating. My plan is to stick with the status quo. To remain friendly but with a little distance. Not to act on my feelings and to try to stop thinking about him.
The plan is proving to be difficult to follow, however.
Earlier today, he called to offer to buy tickets to Coldplay's concert because he has access to Citi's pre-selling. I told him last week I was frustrated with Globe's pre-selling because I didn't get any tickets.
I told him not to buy for me anymore since he can only purchase tickets in the three most expensive sections. My High School friends and I are only willing to spend for tickets in the bottom three sections. I said I'll just wait for the general ticket selling for the public. He asked me if I was sure and advised me to go to the mall when I purchase my ticket instead of buying online. Ended the conversation by saying thanks.
I was touched by the gesture. But I also told myself there is no point to attach any meaning to it. He is just being his usual nice self. He would have done that for others.
I really want to stick to the plan. But I'll be honest to admit the gesture just made me like him more.
So, I was back in one of my favorite destinations which also happens to be Asian dude's hometown, last last weekend. It was for work, so it was a short trip. Three days to be exact. Asian dude was going to be there a week after that according to his Facebook post earlier this month. And on Line, a few hours after I arrived in his hometown.
I do not want to assume anything but after seeing his Line update, which was made a few hours after my post that I was in his hometown, my mind just can't accept it is mere coincidence.
I have returned to my home country. And I know he has arrived in his hometown. He just met his nephew and niece. I know all of these thanks to his Line. He never removed me from his friends' list so I take it he wants me to continue seeing his updates.
Or maybe not.
I could be wrong.
There is no way I can read what's on his mind.
There are some things that are clear to me though. While I think I am in a better state (i.e. not crying in coffee shops or any place anymore when talking about him) now than I was five months ago, I still care about him. And miss him.
But I also know I've already told him everything I want to say. Months ago. The ball is in his court.
maybe,adv.: You think I'm hedging toward a no, but I could just as easily be seeing a yes embroidered on the future. What may be, may be. - David Levithan's The Lover's Dictionary
I realized I never went back to you to give an update on Asian dude. A lot has happened since that post.
When he came back to the Philippines in April of 2014, I decided to wait for him to reach out to me. A week passed and I didn't hear from him so I decided to make my move. I was scared he might not want to go out with me since I didn't seem interested in him during our first date. I chose to give it a try anyway. I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to meet and catch up. He said yes and we agreed to have dinner at a Korean restaurant in Makati.
The date went well. He told me about how different the Philippines was from his new country assignment and that he was happier here. He asked me how I was. He also told me (without me asking) that he was open to having a serious relationship with a Filipino, as well as the qualities he would want to have in a girlfriend. The way the discussion went, he would tell me what he likes and ask me if I'm alright with that.
I learned during dinner too that he was only staying here for six months.
Before the end of dinner, he asked if I was using the Line chat app and added me on his friends' list. It took forever for him to add me and I was nervous all the methods he tried would not work and he would lose interest. With the universe on my side, he got to add me before we got the bill.
He took me home after dinner and I told him to send me a message when he gets to his place. He sent me one via Line and told me had a fun time and would want to go out again. It felt like I won a billion bucks after he said that. And from that day on, we would send messages through Line.
We went out again a few times after that reunion and he mentioned he might be staying here much longer as the company was making the Philippines its hub for the region. I was excited at the thought of him staying longer but also thinking about what we were. What happens if he has to leave again? What happens to us, if there was an us? At that point, I knew he had activated something in me which I've never felt for anyone before.
Fast forward to October. He had to leave and go back to his other country assignment. I asked if we can meet one last time. I wanted to let him know how I feel and to propose to have a long distance relationship, if we were on the same page. While it seems difficult, I figured it could work if we both make an effort.
Making a love confession is an act I never imagined I would entertain. I am not exactly the type to want to show my feelings. I guess I had it bad for Asian dude.
Unfortunately for me, the last meeting I asked for never happened. The guy said he was sick and needed to rest before leaving. After he sent me a message he was bound for the airport, I decided I couldn't make a confession via Line because it didn't seem right. I wanted to do it in person. What I did instead was to tell him this: "I hope you will be successful in everything that you do and that you will always be happy." When he arrived in Thailand, he said thanks and told me this: "Thank you. I enjoyed the Philippines so much because of you." Once again, I felt like I just won the lottery.
We kept in touch even after he left. We would update each other of what we were doing almost, if not, everyday. He would tell me about his day and I would do the same. He would send pictures and I would send mine. And that went on and on.
I still did not know what we were and if what we're doing meant anything to him. I really wanted to know if we were on the same page so I decided to book a flight to his motherland for New Year after learning he might be there.
December came and he informed me of his arrival date in his hometown. I asked if we could meet and gave him my travel dates. He said he has to check his schedule because he was not sure until when he was staying. I told myself I just needed one meeting, to tell him how I feel and to find out if we want want the same thing. If it's a no, then sorry. If it's a yes, then we'll discuss what happens next.
I sent him a message when I arrived in his hometown. He asked where I was staying and so I gave him the name of the hotel. He asked about my thoughts on his hometown and so, I said it was nice but nicer if we could meet. I asked for us to meet and that was the last conversation we had. I never got a reply.
I decided I was not going to follow-up on the meeting and will just wait for his move while we're in the same country. Sadly, he never made any effort. Before leaving my hotel, I sent him an email telling him how I feel and what I'm willing to do to make a relationship with him work, if we were on the same page. I take it we're not because he never gave a response.
We're still friends on Facebook and on Line. That's about it.
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